Thought Provoking Tuesday August 4th

I woke up Tuesday morning still thinking about what Marianne had said about the pretzels and eating in general. I sent her an email before bed on Monday night informing her of what I was not willing to do. And how I was not into preparing food, I wanted Grab and Go stuff. I told her of my general food plan and how it was working for me and that I was happy with what I was doing.

She really had me thinking about stuff I thought I had already settled in my mind. It makes me angry when I start to rethink stuff that I have settled already and start to doubt myself. Damn she was good, she was already influencing me and challenging me, who knew this was part of her job or she took the time to make it part of her job. I must admit I knew nothing about personal trainers. I figured they were just people who liked working out and started working people and it became their job. Okay lame I know and I really mean no disrespect to these professionals. The ones I have met so far are all certified and have studied to be Personal Trainers. They all know their stuff.

I sent her this email this afternoon that said I was really mad at her, I toned it down from I hate you right now. That was probably a good idea as she said that she gasped when she read it until she got past the first line. I said " I am really mad at you at this point, because you are making me think about stuff I promised myself I would not think about."

Here is the rest of the email.

"I had pretty much decided that I would do weight watchers and that would be my food control portion of my overall plan. And that I would not do anything drastic like No Caffeine, no beef, no refined sugar etc. Been there done that and have been successful for a long period of time and kept the weight off for more than a year.

But alas I have always gained it back and 20 to 40 more lbs than I weighed before, but it has not happened overnight either. So this time I wanted it to be the VERY LAST time I have to lose it. When I lost it 12 years ago that was the LAST TIME so this is the VERY LAST TIME.

So after yesterday and you said NO PRETZELS, wow that was harsh. They are a staple of mine. Honestly. (Stop Cringing) and you said eat protein so I did not eat a dinner last night I ate a chicken breast. And I did not have a diet soft drink with dinner either I had water with lemon.

I hate that. I was not prepared to want to do that part again. But I feel myself getting sucked into that Vortex of really getting hardcore about the foods I eat. And I really dread that because then when I eat bad I will feel really really crappy and that will diminish all the enjoyment of eating Nachos, Pizza, McDonalds and anything fried and greasy.

But I can see where eating better will enhance the training I am doing and get better results. (I see this taking over my life and this is after only 2 sessions)

I was thinking of committing to 100 sessions. That is a nice round number and at 3 a week should take me 33 weeks out. Do you think I should be able to accomplish my goals in 99 more sessions? If not how many? It is not like I plan on quitting after 100. I figure I will have to do maintenance for life in order to not gain it back. "

So as you can see I was starting to come to the realization that I was going to have to change my eating to get the most out of this. And while I was coming to the realization, I was having a really tough time psyching myself up to make that commitment. I really did not want to give up the easy way of Weight Watchers where as long as I had enough points I could eat what I wanted, McDonalds, Mexican, Alcohol and ice cream. I did not want this to painful or hard, but I knew in my heart that anything worth having or doing was hard. There was no easy button in this battle that would have long term lasting power. The more I did not say adios and sayanora to the bad habits and bad foods, the easier it would be to slip back into those old habits again.

It was hard for me to really focus on work stuff because of all the emotions Marianne had awaken in me about the food choices I was making. Damn her! I never thought about quitting or anything, because it had been so fun so far. But I really only signed up for a personal trainer and not a nutritionalist nor a life balance coach. Evidently I did not read all of the fine print thoroughly enough, because that is what I got in Marianne, the complete package. And why wouldn't I take advantage of all she had to offer.

I had asked her on Monday should I be doing anything outside of our workouts and she mentioned Cardio on my own. Well I have to admit that I really did not know what Cardio on my own was and I did not bother to ask. I thought I would walk on my own when I got home tonight, but I had a Humane Society meeting and it was about 9 pm and raining cats and dogs when I got home so I decided to get on the Life Shaper in my office. I changed into my shorts and marched on up there and plopped my fat butt on it. Dang that thing was hard and it hurt my shoulders. I did it for all of about 90 seconds and decided maybe this was not cardio maybe it really was more like strength training. And as I recall in the small fine print that I did remember that I was not supposed to really do stuff outside. (I am sure I am only remembering what I want, it was more like not workout with another trainer or at another facility with out informing the trainer) But I was looking for an out. And I was a little afraid of messing up something that we were doing together so I would check with Marianne about what Cardio on my own really meant.

I am sure I am the most clueless person she has ever trained, but she was patient and never really let on that she thought my questions were lame. But I felt like I was compliant client and not a whiner, I never want to be a whiner and I hope if I ever became one she would call me out on it. But I still felt like I needed to do something no matter how small or minimal. This Cardio on my own had to be part of the new FIT Pam and I was going to have to be disciplined about it no matter what obstacles lay in my way. So I decided to walk up and down the stairs of the house. I told myself that I would do up and down 5 times. Wow after 3 I wanted to stop, but I could not start out short changing myself. I need to set a goal for myself and barring something really horrific happening I needed to achieve that goal. It was so cute, Millie B the little beagle did it with me. She would follow me up to the top of the stairs then as I started back down she would as well. I am sure she thought I was crazy.

The whole 5 or 8 minutes I was doing the stairs I felt guilty. If I had been fitter when we moved into this house in Feb 2009 I could have been more help to Brad. He never said anything but carrying boxes up those 20 stairs killed me and totally winded me. It was not so much the carrying but the stairs. At one point I thought I was going to die after about 3 trips or maybe I just wished I would die. And I only did about 20 to 25 % of the trips that Brad did. Good thing he is such a trooper. I am sure I dilly dallied and found every excuse not to take stuff upstairs or take lots of time between my trips.

But I really had to focus on the present and the future. I could not change the past. But I could get fit and be able to help him more in the future with stuff like that.

I was starting to realize there was a lot more to getting fit than going to the personal trainer for 30 minutes 3 times a week. I was also coming to the realization that I had only given lip service to lifestyle change the other times I had lost weight and claimed to be making a lifestyle change.

Until Next Time

Keep Fit

Pam