Monday is my weigh in day so as soon as I got out of bed I ran upstairs to weigh. Oops roadblock. Using all those points over the weekend, meant I did not lose any weight that week. Well I immediately started rationalizing it, I was bound to have a week when my body was catching up. After all I had been losing steadily for several weeks, it only made sense that once in a while I would have a down week. I was blaming every thing but the real culprit.
I kind of blew it off, thinking well I am going to be working out with Marianne this week 3 times, surely that will be good for a lb or 2 next week. And if I was a bit more faithful and did not use all of my WW Points then I would be back on track.
I went to work and watched the clock the entire day. The only person at work I had told was Brandon. I did not want to have to field 100 questions from everybody. And I did not want everyone to know if I did not follow through with it. What if I could not do it, what if it was too hard. What if it was not fun, I mean maybe I was too old at 45 to get fit. I figured if I did not tell a lot of people then I would have to explain myself when I quit. I should say I did not plan on quitting, but you know it was a real possibility that I would get into this and it would be beyond my ability. Or I would not have the staying power to see this through.
In the past I had purchased a bike, a treadmill and the Total Gym 2000. I used the bike sparingly then gave it away to someone with a health issue. I used the treadmill regularly for like maybe 3 weeks or 4 weeks, then I started to get sore and I stopped because I thought I had injured something. The Total Gym 2000 remains as an expensive reminder to myself to never order any exercise equipment off of TV ever again. I have never ever used it. Brad begs me to let us get rid of it. He is the only one to ever get a workout from it as I have him move from room to room on the times I thought okay I am going to finally use it. He has so far resisted my pleas to move it to the new house.
When my first husband and I bought the treadmill we fought for 2 months over what to buy. I wanted it a Nordic Trac because I thought skiing would be fun. He wanted a treadmill. I finally gave in, because when we did not use whatever we bought I did not want to be held responsible. Because I knew he would say if we had gotten what I wanted I would have used it. The final chapter in the saga was written when were divorcing and actually fought over who was going to get the treadmill. Mind you this was the treadmill that neither of us had used in months. I knew we had reached a new pinnacle in our pettiness at this point. Fighting over items neither of us used but did not want the other to have. I won and later sold the treadmill.
So I had a history of starting to exercise and quitting, very early on. Especially, when it got hard, inconvenient or I got lazy. And while I was counting on working with a professional like Marianne to make all the difference in the world, I did not know for sure. And I did not know what to expect from me or from her.
I was really looking forward to 4:30 coming, which is when I needed to leave to get to the Gym by 5:30. I had my plan I would leave and go to the Minit Mart across the street and change into my gym attire. If I changed at the office I was going to have to answer questions and I did not want to do that. The fact I was leaving at 4:30 was suspicious enough, I am what some might call a workaholic. Marianne had told me at the previous session I could do my cardio before or after we trained together, but that if I was her last appointment of the night then I had to do it before. Well I had planned on doing it before so it would be done and I had no idea if I would be the last client of the night so I just needed to plan on doing it before.
Changing in the bathroom of the Minit Mart was awful, I would have to figure out something different from now on. It was disgusting and I felt compelled to buy something since I was using their bathroom to change it. I bought a bottle of water, I would probably be thirsty after our abbreviated session tonight and my 11 minutes of Cardio.
I was fine until I got onto the interstate to go to the Gym then I was full of doubts, what was I doing, how long could keep the charade up that I deserved to work out with a personal trainer. I mean weren't they really for fit people. They were not for out of shape unfit people like me. And what if I could not do it or it was too hard. You name a doubt I had it and I had every fear as well. I mean what if Marianne worked with me and realized I was a lost cause like my ballet teacher. Every bad experience I had ever had with physical activity was coming back to haunt me. But I kept driving towards the Gym. I still had my map quest directions in case I had forgotten how to get there. At least this time I knew where to park, I was using the parking garage, I knew where the Gym was, I should be good. Hopefully I left in plenty of time to get there and that there would not be any wrecks. I put on some music to help me stop thinking so much. I kept telling myself it would all be okay and I would do fine.
I arrived at the center where the Gym was in good time. I should have time to do my Cardio before. That was good. In these situations I tend to lose all of my self confidence for no real reason. I did not want to be too early, but did not want to be late either. I parked the car and left the garage and headed for the Gym. How much easier stuff is when you know where you are going. And it was daylight which made it a little easier. Okay so far so good. I adjusted my hat for confidence and set out. I entered the building where the Gym is and saw the elevator again. I debated for about 5 seconds on taking it or not. Better not, it is probably not the proper attitude to take the elevator up 1 floor to your session with the personal trainer. And I was afraid if Marianne saw me, she would be disappointed and think I lacked commitment to see this through and think I was wasting her time. (Turns out she would have probably made me do push ups or the treadmill, but I will never know) I figured I survived the stairs on Wednesday night surely I could survive them tonight. So up the stairs I went. I paid attention this time so I would not end up outside again. Okay wow I had not realized how far down the hall way the gym was. I was not really paying attention at all on Wednesday night. Okay I found the place, that is always good.
I peered through the door before I went in to see what was going on. There were more people in there than before, but it was okay. So I took a deep breath and opened the door. Okay I was in the Gym, that was good. And I had enough time to do my Cardio. Okay now I had to figure out where to put my stuff. In the lockers, were they reserved would I be taking a "Regulars" locker. I mean the stuff that races through my mind on occasions like these are hilarious. I ended up putting my stuff under the bench and I do it the same every time. Okay I had to remember to sign in as well. Okay not bad, I went to the place and just copied what everyone else was doing. Okay nothing awful had happened yet. Okay so now was the moment of truth. I looked across and saw the bike was not being used. Great, I had worried a bit that someone else would be using it and then I would be forced to wait or use the stair machine or the treadmill.
Now all I had to do was to work up the courage to walk across the entire Gym and get on the bike it was no big deal. I was worried about tripping and making a fool of myself and I did not really pay attention to how Marianne programmed the bike on Wednesday night. Maybe I would just wait until after our session and do my Cardio.
Just then I saw Marianne, she was working with someone. She saw me and said hi, then she said something like get on the bike or why don't you get on the bike. All I know is whatever she said at that moment gave me the courage to walk across and get on the bike. It was like she was giving me permission and it was all going to be okay.
(Now I know surely I can't be the only person who ever feels this way. Or maybe I am. All I know is if I can do this, surely anyone can overcome their fear of failure or embarrassment. I am sure Marianne will never fully understand how it seemed to me that she said the right thing at the right time for me those first few sessions. It is probably just how she is with everyone or maybe she knows how everyone feels at first and knows what to say. I can never fully express how huge her encouragement and her being non judgemental to me was.)
Okay so now I was heading across the Gym to the bike, I think there was someone on one of the treadmills as well, but no one else was over there. I got on the bike and pressed a few buttons and it seemed to be working. The seat was not really in the right position for me as I recall, but I peddled away. I did not know how to adjust it and I really did not want to have to stop and figure it out. It was doable, maybe just not really comfortable. When Marianne got finished with her client she came over and noticed the seat was not adjusted properly and had me get up while she adjusted it to the proper position and I finished out my time. I think I did the whole 15 minutes that night. Wow and on the 2nd time, but then I love the bike and I am sure I had NO Resistance on it. But it was still encouraging. I was grasping for every little bit of hope or any sign. I needed to keep believing I could do this. I never thought it would be easy, but I needed to believe it was within my reach if I worked at it and with Marianne's guidance.
As soon as I got my 15 minutes in it was time to begin. I think we started on the half ball as it is called. I have to step up with one foot then bring the other up and then step back off with the original foot. Wow a lot of thinking and making sure I am on the correct foot. Then add the instability of the ball you have to compensate with your ankles and legs to maintain balance. Marianne was spotting me and she was trying to carry on a conversation, but it was taking all of my concentration to get it all correct. I hope she did not think I was being rude. And the last thing I wanted to do was to fall and go tumbling across the floor and totally embarrass myself.
Next we did the crack the walnut with your butt cheek one again. It was nice to do something we had done before and I had survived that one so I could do it again. I think we might have done some arms as well with the weights on the pulley's. And we did the sit on the low table and stand up without having your knees cross your toes. Think maybe in the middle she had me ride the bike for 2 minutes keeping it above 70 rpms. That was probably to give me a rest but to keep me working out.
We finished the night on the mats. She had me do some leg kicks and other movements. I am sure she was trying to assess exactly how unfit I was. I am sure I was an overachiever and at the top of the pile of the unfit. While we were on the mats somehow we got to talking about what exactly I was eating. I am pretty sure I said that I was doing Weight Watchers and I was not interested in changing that. (I am sure she thought here is another uncommitted person) I mean I was losing weight doing Weight Watchers, why would I want to change. And I was not suffering at all. Heck I was eating McDonald's 3 times a week, who would not love that. Some how it got around to my snacks. She nearly had a cow, a chicken and a goat when I said I was eating pretzels as my snacks. I mean I thought I was doing good they didn't use up very many points and they were filling and I was counting them out. Well right then and now she said NO MORE PRETZELS. Wow that was kind of harsh. She said they were full of sodium, it was easy to just mindlessly eat them and they were not good for me. She encouraged me to keep a food log, I told her I was ahead of her, I logged everything I ate on my WW Online Food Tracker so I would email her my log in and she could look for herself and get back to me. She also told me I should drink more water. She was telling me all the stuff I did not want to hear.
I only wanted to train with her, I did not want her to remake what I was eating. I did not want the pain of doing with out McDonald's, Sundaes, Chocolate and all the other stuff. I told her time was of a premium to me so eating those Weight Watchers Dinners were keeping me on track they were easy, tasty and portion controlled. She said just let me look at what you are eating and make suggestions. I was okay with that. But she was making me start to think about what I was doing and what I was eating. Damn her. I was pretty sure this was not the program I signed up for. I only signed up for a personal trainer, granted I was not sure exactly that all entailed but I was finding out. We still parted friends that night. And I actually made it through the entire 30 minute session. Wow they do make you do the whole 30 at first...Amazing and even more Amazing I did it.
As I left the Gym on my way home I was able to get out the way I came in. I was even more excited overall after our session than before. Maybe I was going to be able to do this after all. I guess the telltale sign would be how sore I was tomorrow. I have always found that I am the sorest after the first 24 hours after that time it just gets better.
I had been so excited to train with Marianne, I had completely forgotten about a prescheduled call I have with a business colleague the first Monday of every month. Fortunately we were able to do it after the session. Turns out she is working on the exact opposite of my. She is very skinny and is working to build lean muscle and put on weight. So we compared notes a little, I did not have much to compare or say except that I was totally pumped and psyched about this whole thing. I promised to report more
As the night wore on, I kept replaying our food conversation in my head. I could not get it out of my mind for very long. I could hear her saying NO MORE PRETZELS. I mean how bad can some pretzels be for you. I was not happy to be revisiting the food issue and what I was eating. I had decided on June 22, 2009 that I was doing Weight Watchers Online to lose the weight, it was just going to have to be good enough, because I was not changing. I was just working out with Marianne to tone up and get fit, so what did it matter if I did weight watchers, low fat, Jenny Craig or what to lose the weight. (Okay can everyone please stop laughing uncontrollably, NOW)
Until next time Keep Fit.
pam
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